Friends, I now claim my heritage as TRUE NERD. Yesterday, Sally was musing about the semi-legendary tearjerker/time travel movie Somewhere in Time.
Her problem: Hot Mystery Lady from the Past gives Heavily Emoting Christopher Reeve a Keepsake Watch, when she’s like, old, and he’s at a play or something. She says “come back to me,” and then he sees a picture of her, falls in painting lust, or something, and then figures out it was she that gave him the Keepsake Watch, and so then he goes back in time, and totally does it with HMftP.
She asks him about the watch, and he’s all like, this rad chick who I dig gave it to me, and gives it to her. Then, OH NOES A PENNY and swirling and then I miss her, and then beach walks, and then HECR totally dies.
So Sally is all, dude, why didn’t you just wish yourself back into the past? And also: where did the watch come from in the first place?
Today I visited her lovely Research Emporium, and quickly brainstormed some answer. YOU NEED A TRUE NERD TO HELP YOU, I said, as she rolled her eyes, rollingly.
Her conundrum is that, if old HMftP gives HECR a watch in 1979, and then he goes back in time and gives it to her in the first place, whence its origin? And my TRUE NERD answer is (killing both questions at with one whack!):
The Keepsake Watch itself is a device of temporal power and mystery, foreign to the timestream, and imbued with time-traveling powers. HECR’s longing for HMftP triggers the device, thrusting him back into time. Once he gives it to HMftP, he is vulnerable again to returned to his proper chronological time (as the timestream, like gravity, ever pushes those timelost or time-travelling to return to their actual and proper chronology).
So why can’t HMftP use the Keepsake Watch to travel to the future? Well, a couple of reasons. First, maybe she doesn’t really dig HECR that much—I mean, dude, with the staring and the longing. It’s all so very emo. So she’s sort of giving him a pity romance, since, you know, it’s pretty flattering that a bro traveled through time just to sleep with you. That would totally flatter me, anyway.
So giving him the Keepsake Watch was just a sweet way of saying “hey thanks for travelling back in time to totally have sex with me.” I mean, she could have done it whenever, right? She didn’t have to wait until he was, like, twenty-eight or anything.
OR, in the alternative, the Keepsake Watch is just crazy and fickle.
I AM A GENIUS. Because I learned from Dr. J. Kirby. Whut, you mean? BABY I’M SAYING TIME FROG
OH YEAH King Solomon’s Frog!! Dude, I’m saying the Keepsake Watch is really King Solomon’s Groovy Time Watch. Just like that sweet Time Frog concocted by Doc Kirby, crazy and unpredictable things happen when you touch it.
THUS ENDETH THE LESSON FROM A TRUE NERD.