Spanish Town Mardi Gras is nearly here – the universally agreed upon greatest day of the year by anyone who has ever been to it, except for Conversely who has Left the Church. He will be welcomed back when he repents, but ONLY when he repents; congregants of the High Church of the Screwmosa are allowed, nay encouraged, to hate both the sin and the sinner. It’s just less complicated that way.
Anyhow, to whet your appetites, here’s a fun game of multiple choice: Which of the following stories did Gorjus tell us about how his trip from Jackson to Spanish Town last year nearly went horribly awry?
A) Gorjus is adamant that the cop who pulls them over in McComb is really a stripper disguised as a cop; keeps saying, “Wouldn’t you rather see MY nightstick?” Officer Doug Ledlow is not amused;
B) Gorjus is nearly murdered at a gas station in Hammond because he insults a meth dealer’s shirt. In Gorjus’s defense, it was pink. Then, following the ancient pattern by which fighting turns foes into fast friends, he is offered some meth behind the gas station. Questions linger about whether the offer was genuine or a trap.
C) Gorjus spots a man in an Auburn t-shirt filling up his van in Brookhaven. An altercation ensues. Things cool off when it is revealed that 1) the man is Gerald McRaney, and 2) he only wears that shirt when he paints because he doesn’t care about getting it messy. “But wait,” says the friendly Brookhavean who breaks up the scuffle. “There’s no paint on that shirt. And I think Gerald McRaney is bald.” “What’s that you say?” shouts Gorjus from inside the back of the van. “I can barely hear you through this chloroform-soaked rag.”
D) He goes into the Stuckey’s in Gallman.
Let’s hope none of this befalls Gorjus in 2009! This year promises to be a swinging good time—the equal of this one or this one? I know, it seems wrong even to think it. Yet I believe that while the arc of Spanish Town is long, it curves toward awesomeness.