Spanish Town Hijinx Ahoy!

faked by Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Spanish Town Mardi Gras is nearly here – the universally agreed upon greatest day of the year by anyone who has ever been to it, except for Conversely who has Left the Church. He will be welcomed back when he repents, but ONLY when he repents; congregants of the High Church of the Screwmosa are allowed, nay encouraged, to hate both the sin and the sinner. It’s just less complicated that way.

Anyhow, to whet your appetites, here’s a fun game of multiple choice: Which of the following stories did Gorjus tell us about how his trip from Jackson to Spanish Town last year nearly went horribly awry?

A) Gorjus is adamant that the cop who pulls them over in McComb is really a stripper disguised as a cop; keeps saying, “Wouldn’t you rather see MY nightstick?” Officer Doug Ledlow is not amused;


B) Gorjus is nearly murdered at a gas station in Hammond because he insults a meth dealer’s shirt. In Gorjus’s defense, it was pink. Then, following the ancient pattern by which fighting turns foes into fast friends, he is offered some meth behind the gas station. Questions linger about whether the offer was genuine or a trap.


C) Gorjus spots a man in an Auburn t-shirt filling up his van in Brookhaven. An altercation ensues. Things cool off when it is revealed that 1) the man is Gerald McRaney, and 2) he only wears that shirt when he paints because he doesn’t care about getting it messy. “But wait,” says the friendly Brookhavean who breaks up the scuffle. “There’s no paint on that shirt. And I think Gerald McRaney is bald.” “What’s that you say?” shouts Gorjus from inside the back of the van. “I can barely hear you through this chloroform-soaked rag.”


D) He goes into the Stuckey’s in Gallman.

Let’s hope none of this befalls Gorjus in 2009! This year promises to be a swinging good time—the equal of this one or this one? I know, it seems wrong even to think it. Yet I believe that while the arc of Spanish Town is long, it curves toward awesomeness.

6 Responses to “Spanish Town Hijinx Ahoy!”

  1. Jay says:

    Hmm. I hope it’s C but I bet it’s B. That would explain his constant meth use during the past year.

  2. d-ashes says:

    I think by the time I was around to hear the story it contained elements of all 4 of those.

    Looking forward to Saturday. I’m off to buy Screwmosa fixins’ this evening.

  3. [...] booze fest that is the Spanish Town parade, an event I’ve been fortunate to share with Gorjus, the Furies and the much loved, but equally feared, Screwmosa every year that I’ve lived here in the [...]

  4. Stuckey’s is still in business? huh.


  5. Oh yes. You can find that pecan log you’ve been craving, though you may have to look a little harder for it. Or you can drive up I-55 to Gallman. However, they no longer sell the Stuckey’s 3-pack of comics, which we all remember included one Marvel, one DC, and, in the middle where you couldn’t see it, one TERRIBLE CHARLTON COMIC.

  6. d-ashes says:

    Funny Mississippi story about the Gallman Stuckies:

    The summer after my freshman year at college Robin Redd and I went to Gallman for a wedding shower for a high school friend of ours. I was coming from Jackson, she from Brookhaven, so we met at the Stuckies and proceeded to the festivities in one car. After the thing was over we returned to the Stuckies and I dropped her back off at her car then got on the interstate heading north back to Jackson. While on the entrance ramp a car pulls up really close behind me and starts blinking their lights and honking their horn. I’m kind of freaked out at pulling over on the side of the interstate in the middle of the night at the behest of a strange car but do so anyway thinking there might be something wrong with my car that they’ve noticed. The car pulls in behind me and a women gets out, comes to my window and starts berating me for leaving a white girl alone at a gas station after dark (while pulling a stranger over on the interstate is a perfectly legit/safe action, apparently). I’d had a couple of beers at the shower and between that and the absurdity of what this woman did I lit into her with a explicit filled tirade that ran along the lines of what a crazy, redneck bitch she was, which she didn’t seem to be expecting. I then sped off leaving her standing on the side of I-55.