PrettyFakes

So when the most recent issue of Civil War came out and wowed us all by jumping a great white shark that had swallowed another shark which itself was was peacefully digesting the surprisingly gristly 2002 Sharkey-Issaquena Academy varsity football team, one of many complaints leveled against it was that the pro-registration heroes like Reed Richards and Iron Man were written horribly out of character. Reed’s a genius, right, Mister Fantastic himself, so, even leaving aside the stupidity of his lining up with the government on this issue, wouldn’t the smartest man in the Marvel Universe maybe see that weaponizing a cloned Asgardian god would be a recipe for disaster?

Now, I didn’t care for this ish any more than anyone else, but, as a man of principle and integrity, nor do I care to hitch a ride on a bandwagon so weighed down with tongue cluckers and finger waggers that the chassis scrapes every time it hits even the mildest bump. Yes, Reed Richards is the smartest man in the Marvel Universe. But everyone is putting the stress on “smartest” in that sentence instead of placing it where it should be: on “Marvel Universe.”

What do I mean, you ask? Well, let’s take a look back at an acknowledged classic, Fantastic Four #267, “A Small Loss,” one of the darkest moments in John Byrne’s run, a run that’s still regarded as a classic no matter how much John Byrne tries to make us hate him. This issue finds the FF gathered at the hospital where Sue Richards, the Invisible Girl (her transformation into the Invisible Woman is still a few issues away) is on death’s door, struggling in a complicated and dangerous labor with her second child. Reed is convinced that exposure to unusual radiation on a recent trip to the Negative Zone is behind Sue’s troubles, and he’s gathered some of the leading experts on radiation in the MU to consult, including Bruce Banner (the Hulk), Walter Langowski (Sasquatch), and Michael Morbius (Morbius the Living Vampire).

Let us pause to note that the fact that the MU’s radiation experts have all been turned into terrifying engines of destruction doesn’t faze Reed in the least.

But not even this coterie of demonstrated incompetents is sufficient to solve Reed and Sue’s dilemma, so he must turn to the one man who is (as of this issue and probably never again afterwards) recognized as the foremost authority on radiation: Otto Octavius, aka Doctor Octopus, who has earned his top ranking by having a bona fide nervous breakdown. Take that, Bruce Banner, you high-functioning multiple-personality disorder you! Doc Ock is in a rather fragile state, and so Reed must bring all the powers of his giant brain to bear. Regard:

So, let’s be clear on what just happened: Doc Ock has been under psychiatric care for months, spending his days sipping gruel and cutting little octopus-shaped paper dolls (really), apparently a hopeless case. Reed strides into town and, bringing the full force of his intellect to bear, applies a technique he gleaned from a Law and Order: SVU rerun. And everyone is in awe. Is it just me, or do I detect a bit of resentment in the director’s line about Reed accomplishing weeks of work within minutes? Do hospital administrators get paid by the hour in the Marvel Universe or something?

So, what I’m saying is, yes, Reed may be the smartest man in the Marvel U. But when everyone else there is an idiot, he really doesn’t have to fight too many title bouts to hang on to his belt. Thus, Millar’s depiction of him as wholly ignorant of the possible ramifications of his crimes against nature in Civil War is really on point.

Those of you inclined to point to Reed’s defense of his saving Galactus’s life as evident of his intellect should probably click over to Marc Singer’s takedown of that storyline at the Howling Curmudgeons. I can’t decide if his reading ruins the story for me or makes it hilarious.

Oh, in case anyone was wondering, Doc Ock has a freak-out on the way to the hospital when he sees a Spider-Man billboard. He and Reed fight, and Reed talks him down, but they get there too late and Sue loses the baby. Love that four-color escapism!

Previously:
Thoughts on Ellis’ and Waid’s FFs.
Gorjus and JP argue about Byrne.
Gorjus on the new FF.
Also, in honor of Civil War’s biggest casualty, we present Black Goliath in his one and only Pretty Fakes appearance, by Gorjus of course: “Black Goliath Wants the Truth.”

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 12th, 2006 at 12:19 pm and is filed under Comixx, Professor Fury. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.