More reader mail! Keep it coming, true deceivers!
Dear Imaginary PrettyFakes Mailbag,
You are my favorite website. You are clearly a website, and not a blog! I am mindful that, for some trivial “Gen-X” reason, you don’t like being called a blog, probably because you think you are “artists” and not “self-obssessed indy rockers.” I love you and would sleep with you if I met you. I am a very pretty person, and also young. My English is poor, but I am willing to learn.
I Live in Brooklyn, USA, and Not in Ukraine, I Swear It
Dear Russian Bride Spam-Author,
Please stop writing us about yr Ukrainian availability. It’s really quite creepy. Professor Fury is married (to royalty, no less!), and I have sworn off dating Brooklynites, because that’s just so 2004 (pssst: the new Seattle is Spokane).
Yrs in Christ,
Dear Professor Fury,
My husband says you are a much better writer than Sally Nordan, but I say that Sally is hella funny and posts every day and that you only post, like, once a week, and then about French gorillas and not enough about your family (p.s. is your brother in jail?).
Look. Sally writes about, like, license plates and busted recipes and stuff. The Prof. writes about talking goddamn gorillas and, you know, Sufjan Stevens and stuff. That takes time. Even the essays you think are about comic books are really about, you know, the inevitable tragedy and ultimate failure of the New South and stuff.
Plus, his brother’s sentencing isn’t until mid-July, so we’re all basically on tenterhooks around here.
I Can’t Wait Either!,
Recently you posted a Polaroid of Eudora Welty’s house, but it was all black. Are you trying to say that you oppose the recent transformation of her home into a museum, as it invades the deeply personal space that she so carefully guarded while alive?
Um, actually, I seriously meant that photo, and sort of did a drive-by and took it but it was a lot darker than I thought and then I had moved on a couple miles by the time it turned out and then I was like, damn it all to hell! when I saw that it didn’t turn out at all but then I thought it would be funny to post and it really is a photo of her house.
So Many People Read So Much into That, but I Do Not Oppose the Recent Museum, and in Fact Am in Support Thereof,
There is a persistent rumor that you engaged in a “hot make-out session” with a quasi-famous indy rock lady at one of your infamous Fury Palace PoolParties®. My friends say it was Kori Gardner, but I was think they got her confused with Amy Dykes because of Gorjus’ blurry Polaroid. Either way, I’m hearing that it was Caithlin De Marrais.
Who Was It??
Dear Reader!! Who Has Won a Prize!!,
Hi! This was such a great letter! You are our Letter-Writer of the Week!! Thank-you so much for writing! What a great writer you are! Because you are so great, we will send you copies of many comic books and also several Bruce Springsteen bootlegs! And also . . . haikus about you, I guess! Sure, even that! And . . . cartoons, too? Okay, yeah!! Cartoons about you! And also American dollars!
You just have to send us a that Polaroid your friends were talking about! Which was never supposed to be left at W.C. Don’s during a night of drinking! Ha, ha! Or taken by that goddamned straight-edge band from Nebraska who I threw Jack Daniels on! Ha, ha! Who threatened revenge! In a sissy, straight-edge way!
Seriously! What Do You Want?
Gorjus!! Who Does Not Have Prof. Fury on the Other Line Right! Now!!