Lord Scorpion; or, The Compositional Nature of Three Shirts Recently Purchased in Water Valley, Mississippi.

faked by Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006


cotton.jpgpoly.jpgscorpion.jpg

Jaxxie Glam turned me on to Blue Heaven, a terrific vintage lamp/record/clothing/guitar shop in Water Valley, Mississippi. I was up there on business Monday and she sent me directions, which were crucial, because I would have never found the (almost-unmarked) store otherwise.

It was locked up tight with a “Wednesday to Saturday” sign on the door, which sucked, but a fellow working on the house next door waved me down and said “just knock on the door—I know the guy is in there.” I did, and Mr. Guy let me in, and now I am three shirts more awesome. The yellow one, though—it’s a little, shall we say, form-fitting. Like, bikini-on-Farrah Fawcett in 1977 form-fitting. If you’re reading this, and you don’t weigh over 200 lbs., then it’s yrs.

The scorpion shirt, though—or as I call it, The Scorpion Garment—that’s a whole ‘nother story. An embroidered scorpion on each side of the chest, with a giant one on the back?? Oh, mais oui. Listen, I put this shirt on and then bought myself a beer. It’s that hott.

Sally played counterpoint/spoilsport when I told her about The Scorpion Garment:

A NOT COMPLETELY FABRICATED DIALOGUE AS REGARDS THE SCORPION GARMENT

Complete with Times-stijl Points of Clarification

Sally: Bacon!
Gorjus: Ahoy-hoy!* Dude, listen: I just got the best shirt of all time. I mean . . . in other space/time continuums? This shirt actually rules entire galaxies.
Sally: God, but I hate science fiction.** What’s so special about it?
Gorjus: Other than the multiple embroidered scorpions and the shiny black snap buttons? Only all the awesome.
Sally: Oh my lord. That sounds . . . terrible. Almost as terrible as that silver lightning bolt necklace you insist on wearing.***
Gorjus: Terrible? Terrible and mighty, you mean. When I am wearing this shirt—nay, this Garment—you shall address me as Lord Scorpion.**** And you shall beware my sting!
Sally: I’m hanging up before this conversation gets any more pathetic.*****
Gorjus: You mean, ‘I’m hanging up now, Dread Lord Scorpion, my liege.’
Sally: Say good-bye, Lord Dorkian.
Gorjus: Whatsamatter with my lightning bolt necklace??

Click.

* This is how we actually answer the phone.

** She really does.

*** It’s actually Jaxxie that so improbably hates my rad silver lightning bolt necklace.

**** I might have actually said “Dr. Scorpion, King of Awesome Shirts.” Which I cleaned up a bit in post-production.

***** This has been said in every conversation Sally & I have had since 2001.

15 Responses to “Lord Scorpion; or, The Compositional Nature of Three Shirts Recently Purchased in Water Valley, Mississippi.”

  1. I am right now going to start composing some totally kick-ass Lord Scorpion v. the Scorpion King fanfic.

    Yes, some of it will be slash.

  2. Dr. Wagner says:

    dammit! that bit about “Dread Lord Scorpion, my liege” made me chortle out loud…and I then had to explain to my office manager what I was laughing about.

  3. sally says:

    Sometimes I jazz up my greeting up by saying “bacon” in a robot voice (ba-con), or perhaps singing it Taylor Hicks-style (bacon! whoo!), or by saying it ghostlike (baaaaconnnn).

  4. Jaxxie says:

    Oh. My. God.
    I can’t wait to see THEE GARMENT.

    The lightning bolt on it’s fetching rope chain? Is another story.

    I totally forgot that Blue Heaven has weird hours. I’ve made the drive from Oxford more than once to find it closed. I’m glad they let you in

  5. pinky says:

    HEY! I’m a wee bit smaller than you, so you should send the yellow shirt to me as birthday homage But, wait, will it fit my boobs?

    and I LOVE the hell outta the scorpion shirt. you shall be further immortalized in my brain, just because you are cool enough to buy that.

  6. Polly says:

    you are such an alexander graham bell kiss up!

    ahem

    Lord Scorpion.

  7. neola says:

    who knew that water valley is the land of complete and total awesome? and the source of siring royalty!

  8. HMBT says:

    Dear Lord of Scorpions…I will now build a alter to praise your fashion awesomeness…sssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Hot!
    But I have to say the image of Sweet, wonderful 1977 Farah is now etched upon my brain…but she’s wearing this totally weird, yellow shirt…thanks! My lord you have cleard that woman from my brain, and I will roll up my vintage Farah poster and put her up/away, alas my worship of her can end!....I just can’t stand the thought of that…I know you’ll understand being the Scorpion King, lord whatever…
    later taters,
    With Wicked Grins she leaves the room…heavy black boots clomping proudly (that everyone else HATES, but she is too smart for them and their simple minds and tates) & the BRASS ones to wear a totally fecked up shirt with shiny sappy buttons too
    two snaps across even!
    (I have one of those…Vintage Johnny Cash black snap up shits, and a huge collection of vintage small mens clothing… that’s what I wear…I love it….too much probably for sane peoples…but it still very true…:) You Rock! That was a fun post…but light yellow makes me feel hysterical….and itchy, & I don’t know why….
    Heather

  9. Amber says:

    Ahoy there :) Great post…great sense of humour and LOVE the shirts. Nice going…here via Pinky. :)

  10. Dotty Parka says:

    I’m confused by the haiku-free Polaroids.

  11. gorjus says:

    Well, it worked with the first one, Dotty!

    “Sixty-five percent
    polyester, thirty-five
    percent fine cotton”!

    If you see me out in the Scorpion Garment, buy me a beer, and I’ll let you touch it.

    The shirt, I mean.

  12. Franklin says:

    Your Scorpion Excellence:

    We must robe ourselves with the garments of the Mighty Scorpion and Sultry Eagle and go forth bringing awe and hope to Jacktown.

    Yours truly,

    The Duke of Eagles

  13. Dotty Parka says:

    That is CHEATING to break up the haiku like that. And you can’t imagine how many hours, er, minutes, er… ok seconds I spent trying to figure out how to break “100% Awexxome” into seventeen syllables.

    Touch your shirt, indeed.

  14. bulb says:

    The Nevermind Aesthetic sez: “. . .Gorjus came up from Jackson, just having to share his Water Valley fashion find with us!”

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