Jaxxie Glam turned me on to Blue Heaven, a terrific vintage lamp/record/clothing/guitar shop in Water Valley, Mississippi. I was up there on business Monday and she sent me directions, which were crucial, because I would have never found the (almost-unmarked) store otherwise.
It was locked up tight with a “Wednesday to Saturday” sign on the door, which sucked, but a fellow working on the house next door waved me down and said “just knock on the door—I know the guy is in there.” I did, and Mr. Guy let me in, and now I am three shirts more awesome. The yellow one, though—it’s a little, shall we say, form-fitting. Like, bikini-on-Farrah Fawcett in 1977 form-fitting. If you’re reading this, and you don’t weigh over 200 lbs., then it’s yrs.
The scorpion shirt, though—or as I call it, The Scorpion Garment—that’s a whole ‘nother story. An embroidered scorpion on each side of the chest, with a giant one on the back?? Oh, mais oui. Listen, I put this shirt on and then bought myself a beer. It’s that hott.
Sally played counterpoint/spoilsport when I told her about The Scorpion Garment:
A NOT COMPLETELY FABRICATED DIALOGUE AS REGARDS THE SCORPION GARMENT
Complete with Times-stijl Points of Clarification
Gorjus: Ahoy-hoy!* Dude, listen: I just got the best shirt of all time. I mean . . . in other space/time continuums? This shirt actually rules entire galaxies.
Sally: God, but I hate science fiction.** What’s so special about it?
Gorjus: Other than the multiple embroidered scorpions and the shiny black snap buttons? Only all the awesome.
Sally: Oh my lord. That sounds . . . terrible. Almost as terrible as that silver lightning bolt necklace you insist on wearing.***
Gorjus: Terrible? Terrible and mighty, you mean. When I am wearing this shirt—nay, this Garment—you shall address me as Lord Scorpion.**** And you shall beware my sting!
Sally: I’m hanging up before this conversation gets any more pathetic.*****
Gorjus: You mean, ‘I’m hanging up now, Dread Lord Scorpion, my liege.’
Sally: Say good-bye, Lord Dorkian.
Gorjus: Whatsamatter with my lightning bolt necklace??
* This is how we actually answer the phone.
** She really does.
*** It’s actually Jaxxie that so improbably hates my rad silver lightning bolt necklace.
**** I might have actually said “Dr. Scorpion, King of Awesome Shirts.” Which I cleaned up a bit in post-production.
***** This has been said in every conversation Sally & I have had since 2001.