So the new X-Men movie is coming out and nerds everywhere are curled into the fetal position, cradling their near-mint copies of Uncanny Nos. 141 and 142 whilst gently rocking back and forth as they imagine the scaly curves of Rebacca Romijn.
I understand that. But I was shocked to hear from an all-new, all-different fan: Sally J. Nordan.
Gorjus: Ooh, it’s creepy when you whisper it!
Sally: That’s the new style that I’m bringing: “Sally Nordan, horror librarian.” So, do you want to go see a movie with Larry and me?
Gorjus: Um. Are you going to see RV?
Sally: Already seen it. No, the new X-Men is coming out, and it looks really cool.
Gorjus: (spits out Coca-Cola) What?? But that’s . . . that’s science fiction!! Which you hate!
Sally: No, it’s not. It’s comic booky. That’s not science fiction.
Gorjus: (spits out remainder of Coke) What?? It totally is! I mean . . . listen. Wolverine’s skeleton is covered with an unbreakable metal alloy! That’s totally science fiction!
Sally: Nope. Comic books.
Gorjus: You have put me in the totally bogus position of wanting to disagree with you, yet somehow thinking that I can make comics less nerdy by agreeing that they are not science fiction. Damn your eyes! But . . . seriously, why do you want to go?
Sally: I kind of like all the characters. I have to concentrate really hard because there are, like, thirty of them.
Gorjus: Yeah, no kidding. I just don’t understand why “normal people” dig it. I mean, Jean Grey dies, she’s resurrected, she dies again, she’s resurrected . . .
Sally: HEY!! Spoiler warning, ass! I didn’t know she got brought back to life!
Gorjus: Sally, her name is Phoenix. And she came back to life in the comic books in, like, 1983 or something. That’s not much of a spoiler!
Sally: It’s a spoiler to us normal people, you nerd.