In which Our Hero fails to protect his identity and/or defeat any crime.
Let me tell you something, budding super-heroes (and villains): masks don’t work. I’ve always suspected this, but tried it out this past weekend. Not only did my Mask of Vengeance not protect my identity, I had rather poor peripheral vision. Also, it chafed. Badly.
I started with a trip to my neighborhood liquor + wine store, the venerable Kat’s, where I’m a regular.
Citizen-Employee: Uh, hey, gorjus.
Gorjus: What? Who are you talking about?
C-E: Uh. Getting ready for Mardi Gras early this year?
G: “Mah-tee Grah? What is this “Mah-tee Gras” you speak of? A multi-book crossover, perhaps? No, this is my normal wear. When I am avenging.
C-E: Uh. Okay, well . . . we have some Three Thieves in. And we got in some Ridge, like you asked. Geyserville, though—not Lytton Springs.
G: Actually, Geyserville is just—I mean, I say thee nay. Mysterious Avengers of the Night do not drink red wine. They drink deeply of . . . vengeance. And also, these pre-mixed six-packs of Mudslides.
C-E: Okay, well, I’ll ring those up . . . thanks for stopping by, gorjus.
G: Not gorjus!! Mysterious Avenger of the Night
Then, I traveled to my teammate’s sekrit HQ: the Hidden Enclave of the Glam Menagerie. I was on a mission to pick up Jaxxie Glam, so that we might raid the discount bins of the Highway 51 Hudson’s (we heard via Sally there was some Kenneth Cole in stock).
Jaxxie Glam: Hey! Where did you get that?
Gorjus: What?
JG: That mask. Party City? I’ve been meaning to go back there after New Year’s to see what the stock was like.
G: This is not a Party City mask!! This is the holy garb of an avenger of the night!
JG: Looks like a mix of low-grade plastic and polyester to me. Actually . . . are you okay? I think you might be getting a rash.
G: No I’m not!! The Mask of Vengeance is simply a little . . . tight. Snug, if you will. To protect your identity, snugness is key.
JG: No, seriously. Let me take a look at that. Oh, man . . . listen, I’ve got some cortisone inside. Wait right here.
G: No!! I need not wait on . . . will it make me stop itching? Because, my face hurts.
(Cornbread enters with shots)
Later, I attempt to talk a walk around the neighborhood to guard against the nefarious invasion of evil. No one will crime on my neighbors, I tell you that. I spot Nog, my Friendly Neighbor, whilst on my patrol, and offer her the Signal of Justice. She waves back.
FN: Oh, what a cute mask!
G: Vengeance be not cute!! My Mask is . . . venge-filled!
FN: Well, I think it’s cute. Um. You might smell a little, though.
G: That’s the “mask-affixer.”
FN: It smells like cortisone.
G: It keeps the mask affixed. It is not for rashes. Tell me, how did you know it was me?
FN: Well, first, you’re wearing a hand-made t-shirt that says “Vengeance is Near.” Secondly, you have Flock of Seagulls hair. Third, you might want to trim those side-burns back a little. You’re getting way plane-crash in McComb on me.
So, my experiment was a complete success. Well, not in terms of identity-hiding: I failed utterly at that. I also didn’t actually see any crime to combat. But, in terms of getting drunk? A +! A Day of Justice-Filled Vengeance, indeed.
Oh my. I think you meant to end the sentence “No one will spy on my neighbors” with “except for me, of course.”
What you’re lacking is a good arch-nemesis. The Teetotaler? The Prohibitionary? Dry Doris?
I think that Gorjus himself needs a more appropriate superhero name (as opposed to a supernym—Gorjus is like the Clark Kent of Superman).
Such as: Bon Vivant.
Or, if you like:
Gorjus the Bon Vivant
Gorjus the Bon Vivant vs The League of Prohibitionists (inc. The Teatotaler and Dry Doris).
Or, focusing on different super-powers, it could be something more like:
Bon Vivant [Thee Gorjus Stijl] vs Thomas Kinkade and the Anti-Aesthetes.
Have you learned nothing?! Ditch the mask! You just need to wear glasses as Gorjus and everything will be fine.
Other options:
– Affect a limp! (Added bonus: fun with a cane!) – Slouch! – Speak with an accent! – Brush your hair flat!
These simple tips will enable you to keep your secret identity secret and your superhero identity SUPER!
based on your superhero jacket and fine-line goatee pictured above, not to mention your proclivity for fruity froth, i deem you:
THE RASPBERRY BERET!
Is it just me, or does that hair look like Calvin all grown up?
Maybe your super power is the eradication of double chins using the light refracting powers housed in that high neck leotard.
The “plane crash in McComb” Skynyrd reference is priceless.
That one was for you, babeh!
Please, no comments about any extra-neck. And, yes, my hair does look quite a bit like Calvin right now. Jaxxie + Jaysus let me walk around all day Saturday looking like a perfectly deranged cartoon character. I have got to remember to start pushing it down.
Raspberry Beret? Hilarity. As is the Prohibitionary, which is officially the greatest word of ALL TIME.
I see him as a kind of cosmic-Kirby Celestial type, humanoid but w/ no real face, and certainly not a mouth. He and his herald, Shur Li Tem-L, travel the galaxies, etc etc etc.
Man… I wish I had a herald. Heralds rock!
DAG! you look JUST like Chris O’Donnell.