UPDATED!
So I just got a call from Jaxxie Glam.
Jaxxie: Hey.
Gorjus: Hey.
Jaxxie: So.
Gorjus: Uh, yeah?
Jaxxie: I’ve got a bat in the house.
Gorjus: Wow!
Jaxxie: Not wow, bad. It’s bad. I don’t want it in my house.
Gorjus: Let’s see . . . ooh, skeery. The internets say that they have such small teeth, that can bite you and you might not even know it!! Holy socks!
Jaxxie: I don’t want to know that! I want to know how to get rid of it!
Gorjus: Let’s see . . . okay, seal off the room that it’s in, turn on the lights, and wait until it settles down. Then, get a coffee can and trap it beneath that.
Jaxxie: A coffee can isn’t very big.
Gorjus: You’re right. I would upgrade to stadium-sized garbage can. You might need to go buy one.
Jaxxie: Check. What then?
Gorjus: Okay, then, you take a piece of cardboard, and slide it under the stadium-sized garbage can, and you tape it all up to the garbage can.
Jaxxie: Wait.
Gorjus: What?
Jaxxie: This is a goddamn plot point in The Great Outdoors.
Gorjus: Heh. Yeah, yeah it is.
Jaxxie: And I seem to remember it didn’t work out too well in that movie.
Gorjus: I think the real question is, of you and Jaysus, who is gonna be Dan Ackroyd and who is gonna be John Candy?
Jaxxie: Goddammit, Gorjus! Why did you put a bat in my house??
Fin.
UPDATE: Now it appears that Jaysus is running a Bat-coloring and Bat-naming contest!!
I know that mine is going to be colored blue and named “Indigo Wildfire,” so HANDS OFF, style-biters.
So, I mean, what happened with the bat???
Yeah, don’t leave us hanging here! And wouldn’t Jaxxie rather be Annette Bening? She was in The Great Outdoors, too!
I don’t know yet! I mean, I was writing this while she was on the phone.
I suspect hijinx are occurring AS WE SPEAK!
Update at at 9:35: Animal Control does not do bats. They referred her to Mike the Critter Catcher, and she left a message. So as of right now, the bat, she is still there.
[...] ursday is obviously your get-nothing-done-at-work-day, so be sure to check with Gorjus for running commentary, as I’ve just learned that Swoopy has already attained multi-blog notoriety. [...]
the most reassuring thing about the entire endeavor is that he’s pretty much had the run of the house at night all week – we sleep with the doors leading to those rooms open… so the other night, when i went to see about the ‘bunny’ and heard the noises, it was just mr. friendly bat scooting around the room.
he did look sickly, just kind of flopping around, so i felt like a weenie for not being manly and grabbing it and biting it in two, but it was like 7:45 and i wasn’t totally awake – plus realizing that there’s a bat swooping in lazy circles around the smallish bedroom while you’re rubbing your eyes and getting dressed is pretty stressful.
maybe we’ll have bat bisque for din-din!
DON’T HURT SWOOPY, you bastard!!
Being a man of the woods…I have caught bats with my trusty fishnet (not my stockings and yes it is lonely out here)...the trouble is that the bat wings will get caught in the holes of the net so be sure to have a net with small holes otherwise you may have to get ozzy on that ass…i mean bat…and last but not least…good luck!
p.s. Great Outdoors ruled…kudos gorjus!
UPDATE at 1:03!! Swoopy is still trapped, but Larry Ferrari has assisted in finding a company that will help. However, the animal removal people aren’t coming until tomorrow morning.
To Urge Jaxxie to throw food to Swoopy through the transom, turn to page 56.
To Encourage Jaxxie to go stay in a hotel tonight and get drunk off of $5 cans of Coors Lite from the mini-bar, turn to page 189.
To Admonish Gorjus for putting bats in Jaxxie’s house, turn to page 7.
i can’t believe this.
i am bring my OWN bat drawing to the bar tonight.
3:35 pm – The batman has arrived . . . Stay tuned for details.
gorj – I dig the choose your own bat adventure. you seem to have left out the standard if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em option. I like the idea of Jaxx trying to live among the bats, the trials she’d go through trying to be accepted as one of them, how she’d constantly bitch about having sticky feet (I mean, she does enough of that now).
anyhoo – y’all bitches better be working some good shit on that coloring smack-down, cause my shit’s gons-be SERVEing you edgewise for real.
I’m sorry, but did you just do some trash-talking about coloring a cartoon bat? Because, that’s pretty rad.
I am not a big fan of bats since my parents’ house was overrun with bats, and they were everywhere. One even flew into the open food processor—it was like Gremlins!
[...] got served a wee bit at her B-B-Q. She pontificated about terrible pizza in Jaxxon here. She fought a bat! Jaysus hearts Jaxxie (sidebar: Jaysus bought this Polaroidset from me for two bottles of cham [...]
SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT SOME FUN OUT OF FINDING A BAT IN YOUR HOUSE… I CAME HOME FROM WORK TODAY AND BOTH OF MY BATHROOM DOORS WERE CLOSED.. I ALSO GOT A EMAIL FROM A CLOSE FRIEND ABOUT BATS AND RABIES WHICH I THOUGHT WAS WEIRD… THEN MY HUSBAND CALLED ME AND SEND THERE WAS A BAT IN THE HOUSE… EEEEKKK… AND I GOTTA PEE HOPE IT ISNT IN THE FIRST BATHROOM… WILL LET YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LOL CHRIS