jaxxon barbies.

faked by Friday, October 31st, 2003

anon. from e-mail, circulating jax, au naturel:

“New Barbie Dolls for the Jackson Metro Market”

Madison Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Highland Village and high-end boutiques around the Jackson metro area. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a giant, mostly unoccupied house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version. Please note, this one does NOT play well with other Barbies. For extra fun, purchase a second Ken or one of his ethnic friends that come with various blue-collar outfits, because Madison Barbie has her needs too.

Northside Sun Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and always can be spotted on her mini cell phone (slow-driving and accident-prone “traffic jamming” cell phone sold separately). Optional matching gym outfit. Discounts on this model are available if you have children at First Pres, St. Andrew’s, Prep, or JA.

Medgar Evers Blvd Barbie: This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy on fake Sprewells with tinted windows. Bonus easy-bake Meth Lab kit. This model is only available after dark near “the points” and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills, unless you’re a cop – then we don’t know what you be talking about). This bootie-bodacious model will premier in February at a special unveiling at the Jackson Medical Mall.

Old Canton/Pear Orchard Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of BMW sports car or spotless Hummer 2. Included are her own never-ending Starbucks cup, platinum credit cards and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. These are readily available, but you can’t afford them.

Pearl Barbie: This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a rose on her shoulder. Shoes not available. She has big hair, a six pack of Busch and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-head Kenny doll’s ass when she’s drunk. Double-wide mansion sold separately. Purchase her pickup truck and you get mini Confederate flag and urinating Calvin bumper stickers absolutely free. This model can only be found in Byram, Raymond, Flowood, Brandon, and most of eastern Rankin County.

Belhaven Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long gray hair, archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a scroungy mutt. She prefers that you call her “Willow” and comes with a mini bag of ganja and t-shirt from the Rainbow Co-op.

Forrest Hill/South Jackson Barbie: This chain-smoking, brassy-haired, Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the most-recent time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Club Dance. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and an old Ford Mustang (when playing, she prefers you call it her “Ferrari”). Also sold in some areas as the “McDowell Road-but-still-white” Barbie.

Leftover Barbie: This is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose, sneakers, and a bad haircut. This model is also sold as Vicksburg or Clinton Barbie.

Be sure to mix-and-match for more fun! For example, by purchasing a Leftover Barbie and at least two of the following—a Madison Barbie, a Northside Sun Barbie, or an Old Canton/Pear Orchard Barbie—your daughter can put together endless scenarios of good, old-fashioned “nice to your face, bitch behind your back” Southern Baptist fun. (NOTE: Colonial Heights Baptist Church, Woodland Hills Baptist Church, and Alta Woods Baptist Church play houses will be available early next year.)

4 Responses to “jaxxon barbies.”

  1. gclark says:

    there’s one of these going around about Little Rock, too.

    i didn’t know highland village was still open.

  2. Cindy B says:

    There’s a slightly modified version of this going around Seattle too.

    I think Highland Village only has a couple of stores left in it, unless it’s been re-vamped in the last few years.

  3. gorjus says:

    no, no, highland village is actually thriving! there’s two stellar restaurants in there—and one decent, that used to be great. bravo!, char, and julep are all upscale belly-pleasers.

    the rest of hv is super-ritzy. there’s a nice jewelry store, juniker, and x-pensive ladies’ clothing places like high cotton.

    the only reason i go there is for char’s excellent blue plate lunch, and bravo’s bottomless gin awexxomness—and polenta.


  4. Cindy B says:

    Wow, I had no idea. But then, the last time I went there was probably sometime in the mid-90’s.

    The main thing I remember about Highland Village was that upstairs, there was a health food store that my mom liked. During the late 70’s & early 80’s when she was on her diet kicks, she’d go there a lot, and it was the first place I ever had frozen yogurt. I think it was blackberry-flavored, and I thought it was awesome. They also had those fruit leather things that were an alternative to Fruit Roll-Ups (the health food store version actually having real fruit in them).... Man, I hadn’t thought about that place in years.